i write in online blogs for therapeutic reasons, really. and i’m writing here because it’s more discreet. i know very few people, if any, read this blog. then why post it online, you ask? well, because i think that deep inside i still want to be heard, but only to those who want to know what’s going on. if you want to read what i write, it’s right here. but it’s not too in-your-face, like in multiply or facebook.
anyway, things bothering me:
1. vica’s departure. i think i might have wrote this in the barkada card thing tiny made for her — vics, if someone told me 10 years ago that we’d be this close, i wouldn’t have believed them, but here we are. no goodbyes because i know i’ll see you again. so till next time. i will miss you, my dear friend.
of all the people to leave first, did it have to be someone who i constantly hung out with??? and it’s just starting to sink in, you know? not even last night. i mean, i remember that when we said goodbye last night, vica had to be the one to ask for a hug. i’d forgotten it would be the last time i’d see her for an indefinite period of time. i’d forgotten it wasn’t just one of those friday nights.
2. my parents are suffocating me.
sam, katz and i were talking last night about how even if we’re out of college we’re not exactly free yet. and i remember saying, i can’t believe i gave up my freedom. i was free — no curfew, no nagging text messages or phone calls. and i gave that up. of course there were more important considerations. but i am still not used to living like this. i need to adjust, i know. but i wish that they’d just let me grow up and give me some space.
and i find it so sad that my relationship with my parents has deteriorated to a point that they seem to have given up on me. and i know that i’m to blame (although i think that they might also have their part), but it’s so hard to fit back into the mold that i left behind.
3. my so-called lovelife. this has taken a backseat to everything that’s been going on lately. well you see, there’s this guy that i like. and i really really really like him. and i’ve liked him for a while. but i was in denial for almost a year, and then i finally admitted it to myself and to several friends. but i can’t admit it to him yet because circumstances aren’t right now. i want to gauge what he wants from me. i think i might have become a habit, and i’ve been pushed back to the friend zone.
4. everything else in my life.
i feel like i’m just floating through life, you know? and i feel like every minute that’s passed is another minute that’s wasted. i need to find that passion, that fire that will fuel my drive to make something of myself. or else, i’m just this empty shell that’s just waiting for the end.
i am thankful for the one who picks me up when i’m down. the one who always says the right things. but i hate myself for wishing he was someone else, because the one i want only likes the bubbly happy me.
sometimes i think that maybe you’re just being cautious like i am. tonight i will take a little step towards bravery (counting on the fact that you don’t read this). one green light that i would want to have is to be able to tell you how i feel, and know that you more or less feel the same way. cause all i see right now are blinking yellow lights. caution. caution. possible heartbreak ahead.
anyway, things bothering me:
1. vica’s departure. i think i might have wrote this in the barkada card thing tiny made for her — vics, if someone told me 10 years ago that we’d be this close, i wouldn’t have believed them, but here we are. no goodbyes because i know i’ll see you again. so till next time. i will miss you, my dear friend.
of all the people to leave first, did it have to be someone who i constantly hung out with??? and it’s just starting to sink in, you know? not even last night. i mean, i remember that when we said goodbye last night, vica had to be the one to ask for a hug. i’d forgotten it would be the last time i’d see her for an indefinite period of time. i’d forgotten it wasn’t just one of those friday nights.
2. my parents are suffocating me.
sam, katz and i were talking last night about how even if we’re out of college we’re not exactly free yet. and i remember saying, i can’t believe i gave up my freedom. i was free — no curfew, no nagging text messages or phone calls. and i gave that up. of course there were more important considerations. but i am still not used to living like this. i need to adjust, i know. but i wish that they’d just let me grow up and give me some space.
and i find it so sad that my relationship with my parents has deteriorated to a point that they seem to have given up on me. and i know that i’m to blame (although i think that they might also have their part), but it’s so hard to fit back into the mold that i left behind.
3. my so-called lovelife. this has taken a backseat to everything that’s been going on lately. well you see, there’s this guy that i like. and i really really really like him. and i’ve liked him for a while. but i was in denial for almost a year, and then i finally admitted it to myself and to several friends. but i can’t admit it to him yet because circumstances aren’t right now. i want to gauge what he wants from me. i think i might have become a habit, and i’ve been pushed back to the friend zone.
4. everything else in my life.
i feel like i’m just floating through life, you know? and i feel like every minute that’s passed is another minute that’s wasted. i need to find that passion, that fire that will fuel my drive to make something of myself. or else, i’m just this empty shell that’s just waiting for the end.
i am thankful for the one who picks me up when i’m down. the one who always says the right things. but i hate myself for wishing he was someone else, because the one i want only likes the bubbly happy me.
sometimes i think that maybe you’re just being cautious like i am. tonight i will take a little step towards bravery (counting on the fact that you don’t read this). one green light that i would want to have is to be able to tell you how i feel, and know that you more or less feel the same way. cause all i see right now are blinking yellow lights. caution. caution. possible heartbreak ahead.
No comments:
Post a Comment