it’s 3AM and i’m still awake, typing away on my computer so that i can somehow put into words what i feel before i forget. about 20 minutes ago, i got off the phone with my dad. we had been talking since around 12:30am because i was feeling down. bratty me, i didn’t get what i want…didn’t expect to, but i wanted to try anyway…so anyway, i didn’t get what i initially asked for, but we did reach a compromise and we got to talk about things that have been bothering me. i love my dad so much. i do…although sometimes i may be mean to him or i tend to take him for granted. sometimes, i think i don’t really deserve the kind of love that he gives me…he’s spoiled me, i think. and to an observer, i can come off as an ungrateful spoiled brat. so anyway, he told me that the reason why i cannot be truly happy is because i tend to be too pessimistic…my point of view is so negative. rather than appreciate what i have, i compare myself to those who have more, and that’s what gets me down. life is fucking unfair, i complained (minus the language of course). life is really unfair, he said. there’s always going to be people who are better and who have more. this, i think, is the downside to being surrounded by people who are so good, so smart, so disciplined, so organized, who have so much…and all those other positive things. don’t get me wrong, i love the people around me. i love my friends and family…they are great people…it’s just that sometimes…at my weak moments, i find myself feeling insecure of all their greatness. and i see how much i lack. and it just gets me down, you know?
unless you’re a hermit…i’m sure you’ve at least seen the "confident ugly girl/guy" once (sorry for the term. =P)…i envy the confident ugly girl for her confidence, her belief in her self and in her abilities. i wish i could believe in myself as much, then maybe i wouldn’t be so mediocre and insecure.
September 5th, 2007 at 7:47 am
September 5th, 2007 at 7:58 am
September 5th, 2007 at 8:02 am
September 15th, 2007 at 9:42 pm